Frustration

I often find this emotion with expats, even with myself. I guess that it is natural, but it doesn’t mean that it is pleasant. I guess we know that we are going through a process and sometimes it makes it easier, but sometimes it just doesn’t. It is funny how we react when suddenly everything that we know is taken away. You grow up, you study, you learn the ropes, you can explain, help, delegate well and with confidence and the suddenly you sit somewhere totally foreign where you cannot even help yourself, even if you wanted to. The only way that you can help yourself is by asking for help, researching or finding out how it works in this new environment and asking for help and waiting to be helped are not necessarily everyone's strong points, but indeed skills that an expat needs to acquire to survive and avoid frustration.

To put it bluntly, expats sometimes feel dumb. Dumb because they have to ask so many questions or have to learn so many new things (from social interaction in a new culture to basic administration). And the smarter you think you are, the dumber you feel. We are not used to feeling helpless, clueless, powerless or unconfident in our home environments, but now in this new adventure it is inevitable. Things don’t run at our pace and there is very little that we can do about it. Maybe you are used to a fast paced environment where you can easily and confidently play ball all over the court, but now you only have a thin stick and a golf ball and you are supposed to play this fast paced game on a court that you don’t even recognise as being a court. So you feel dumb and you maybe start to think that everybody else thinks you are dumb as well. It gets frustrating. You know who you are inside, you know that you have potential and you even love yourself, but often you just feel like you are tramped in the body of a headless chicken or a clumsy Michelin man. Maybe you are even trying to convince people that you are not normally like this...

Frustration. We need to figure out where it is coming from. Yes, we are overwhelmed and exceptionally stretched, but what is lying under the frustration? What underlying emotion is driving the frustration? What is the sentence that we hear in our thoughts that creates the underlying emotion? For example, you might have the thought “I don’t want people to think that I’m dumb” and then you place extra pressure on yourself to prove yourself, but then you end up feeling helpless, because you can’t possibly know everything and do everything perfectly in a new environment. There are too many variables and things that you cannot possibly anticipate or predict. This then leads to the frustration and maybe even a sense of failure or embarrassment. :/

Ask yourself some questions.

Why am I frustrated?  “I’m frustrated, because the lady keeps telling me what to do.”

How does “the lady keeps telling me what to do” make me feel?  “It makes me feel incompetent.”  

Am I really incompetent? “No”

What does “feeling incompetent” trigger or remind me of? “It reminds me of my teacher telling me that I’ll never make it to university.”

So the negative thought (lie) creates the feeling of incompetence which drives the frustration. The key is to keep track of your thought patterns and try and identify what thought drives the underlying emotion which in turn drives the frustration. Get hold of the thought and you can disable or lessen the frustration. It is not always as simple, but I have had such amazing results and eye opening moments while doing these exercises with my coach. At the end it is totally worth it and very freeing.

As expats we are surrounded with change and we need to stay flexible whether we like it or not. My advice is to find someone to talk to. An objective ear is always good and can help you get some fresh perspective in your situation. Take a deep breath, accept what you cannot change and stay focused, flexible and motivated, you are brave just for taking the leap to another country! 

Picture credit: simplelifestrategies

Social interaction

Naturally when you move to a new country you need to build up a new friendship circle and you might even have to meet the family if you moved to be with your partner. These situations can be challenging and my advice is again to not push yourself. Some activities are unavoidable, but develop a strategy that works for you.

If you function well in groups then invite a few new people or family over for coffee or dinner. If you prefer one on one conversations (like me), then make the effort to do your rounds with family members and new friends. It also gives you the opportunity to get to know them better and then you have something to talk about the next time round. It's almost as if you have to start with social skills 101 all over again. No one knows you, they don't know what to expect from you and the first impression that you make is important.

Sometimes I found first impressions quite difficult, specifically in a group setting. Everybody knows each other and are talking and laughing and I sit there with a pretty face and no words. It is quite frustrating for me, because I'm like a fly on the wall looking at myself not being myself. I know I'm more social, friendlier, funnier and more confident, but sometimes I just have no words. At the moment I'm ascribing it to the fact that they speak a foreign language and even though I understand it 95%, I still can only speak 30%. English is of course no problem and I can chip in anytime with English, but I still seem not to and that sometimes frustrates me. I then leave an evening or a dinner feeling like I totally didn't represent myself.

The important thing is not to get discouraged. First impressions can change and as you get more comfortable with everything, the situation will also change. Just never give up, never see yourself as the outsider all alone and uninteresting. Evaluate the situation afterwards and think about how you can be yourself more comfortably next time round. Do not beat yourself up and rather show yourself some kindness, you are coping with enough change as it is. Rome wasn't built in a day! ;)

I have experienced that people usually are more afraid to speak to you than you are to speak to them and when you break the ice with one question about them, their work or week, they seem to chat quite easily. Don't necessarily expect deep meaningful conversations the first time round, but there will be enough questions for you to ask to keep the conversation going. It sounds silly, but conversation is an art and it is something that you will have to master again. It is so easy when you have an established circle of friends at home and one new person joins and you are comfortable and confident, but in a new country it's a whole new story. You have no circle, you have no 'back up support', nowhere to turn to if conversation runs out and as these fears build, it can leave you incapacitated in the corner.

No one said that it was going to be easy, but don't stress and don't give up. One step at a time and you'll come out winning! :)

Picture credit: flickr

Small disappointments

We all want things to go a certain way or people to react in a certain manner and when this does not happen we experience disappointment. It's normal and we experience different levels of disappointment on a normal day ranging from making a bad cup of tea, a friend cancelling, not completing all the tasks that you wanted to or someone slipping a hurtful comment.

These are all normally dealt with pretty easily as forgiveness runs freely and you generally understand that people's actions are determined by their schedules and pressures and that it's really not personal. You might not even have felt disappointed on a normal day, in your normal country and normal routine, but now it's different. The problem is that as an expat your coping reserves are already running low. There are so many small challenges in a normal day that small disappointments can really catch you off guard. It hits hard and it breaks your stride. Suddenly everything is too much, too hard, too far and too different and it all comes crashing down.

It's normal.
Give yourself some space.
Breathe.
Calm down.

Perspective, you need perspective. It's a journey.

Work through your thoughts a bit and try to determine what is really upsetting you. It’s often a bunch of small challenges, rather than one specific thing. Maybe write them down on a page or draw them in topic bubbles. Writing them down can turn the “mountain” into a small heap again and make things manageable. It can also be helpful to explain to your partner or friends what you are going through and why one small thing can lead to you feeling completely overwhelmed. If your partner or friends are not expats, then it might be difficult for them to understand how normal daily activities can become overwhelming. 

Also write down the emotions that you are feeling. It is important to pinpoint them so that you can manage them or they will end up managing you. An emotional outburst can also indicate that you are bottling up emotions and not properly dealing with certain challenges. It is important that you allow yourself time to reflect on your feelings and journey. Make a list of the small victories that you've had this week and be proud of yourself. Remind yourself that it's a process and that everything is going to be alright at the end and if everything is not alright then it's not yet the end. You will conquer this one, just as you have conquered the others, one step at a time!

Picture credit: Lifehack

Cry, it's ok!

I miss my parents.

I miss my sister.

I miss my friends.

I miss my bed and the smell of my linen.

I miss my tea.

I miss my dad's braai and my mom's home cooked food.

I miss recorded TV on the couch.

I miss good coffee with friends.

I miss options, selection and variety.

I miss the sun.

I miss mountains. 

I miss my car. 

I miss singing in my car.

I miss familiarity. 

I miss routine. 

Cry. 

Cry a little or a lot.

Cry big tears, small tears, long tears or short tears, but cry. It's normal, it's healthy and it's in the best interest of you and your family. The more you cry, the less you'll take your emotions out on them, the less frustrated you will be and the more relieved you will feel. You can apply this to any traumatic experience. Crying or talking about your emotions release emotions and bring relief. It's a not a sign of weakness, but a way to strengthen you emotionally. If you don't release emotion, then I can assure you that it will pop out its head somewhere in your life and most likely not in the way that you would have liked.

To pack or not to pack..

So it's official! The visa has been approved and I have 9 days to pack up my life. Looking back it sounds kind of crazy, but that's exactly how it happened. How do you say goodbye to a country, family and friends in 9 days? Honestly, I don't know. I don't know if anyone knows the 'correct' way of doing it.

Fortunately, I have already moved out of my flat 2 months before, so all the admin surrounding that has been sorted and I have just been waiting for the last few months. But still, I was left staring at a few boxes representing my life in Cape Town, 29 years of my life in Cape Town to be exact. I threw away or gave away 90% of everything I had, but then I'm left with a few boxes of selected things. The difficulty is that most of the things I've kept has no really value at all, but were gifts or sentimental items. Some things are neither, but just irritating to throw away, for example beautiful wrapping paper and gift bags that I bought, those buttons that you get extra with your coats and blouses, your sewing kit with all its bits and bobs, a selection of make up and nails polishes that I don't use every day, but is nice to have for a specific occasion, random stationary and cards and the list continues. These are all things which are worth nothing, but nice to have and thus irritating to just throw away. Then I haven't even mentioned beautiful kitchen equipment, tins, bowls, oven dishes, books, magazines, dvds, etc that I have bought over the last few years. Pretty things, things that are mine and things that I chose.

Don't get me wrong, I parted with them all. So little time, so little space, but it wasn't always easy. Moving house is difficult as it is, but at least you can take your junk along. Moving countries is a different story, but now sitting on the other side and looking back, I'm glad that I didn't bring all  my junk along. Sometimes I still find it irritating to buy something which I already had, but then I tell myself that at least someone is enjoying the benefit of my items in Cape Town and I get to buy a brand new one. It's a process.. I keep telling myself that. ;)