Exploding emotions!

Often, too often, we allow emotions to cripple us. Emotions should warn us, but not control us. Too often our emotions become the problem because we don't ask the correct questions: "where does the emotion come from? Or why do I feel this way?"

I have heard the expression many times that an emotion is like a warning light on the dashboard of your car. It goes on when something internal is wrong. In that moment we have two choices, break the light and ignore the problem or investigate the problem. The thing is, that sometimes the little light is scary, especially if we don't know where the problem lies, how deep it is, how long it is going to take to sort out or how much it will cost you.

Let's say that your "dashboard" shows a light of irritation, you may stop to think and realise that you are just hungry and it's pretty easy to solve or you might realise that it's something about someone else that irritates you and you might need to dig a bit deeper to find out where the irritation is coming from and why it is affecting you so much. Or you might notice your irritation, but have absolutely no idea what the underlying problem is. Don't worry! You are totally capable of dealing with it and you don’t need to understand and fix it in an instant. Take some time out, even if it is just 10 minutes and just sit and think about where the emotion is coming from. Sometimes something as simple as irritation can be underlying fear, shame or sadness which can easily turn into frustration or anger if not acknowledged and dealt with.

Emotion should not scare us, it should rather guide us to become more self aware so that we can manage ourselves better and always be filled with joy. If we do not manage our emotion, it will control us and then we will start to act in ways which we do not wish to act. Be bold today and don't be scared to look at what is lying underneath the emotion. Do not allow the emotion to control you, but be brave and face the emotion. Allow yourself to become more emotionally aware and set yourself free from controlling and exploding emotions.

Picture credit: creativereview

Placing myself first vs selfishness

Oh the terrible evil! Let me make one thing clear first. There is a difference between selfishness and putting yourself first. In our lives we need to put ourselves first in certain areas to ensure that we are emotionally stable and healthy. We need to look after our bodies and our hearts, if we don't, then we'll lose a part of ourselves and we would be less able to successfully support and help someone else. We become thinly spread and at the end drained, tired and unable to motivate ourselves or others. What you need to do to stay emotionally healthy will be different for each person and it is something that you need to decide for yourself.

Selfishness comes in when we put ourselves first at the expense of others. When we become self consumed and blinded to the needs of others. Selfishness is so sneaky, it creeps in so slowly and before you know, it's all about me and in that moment you see yourself as the victim (because you are not being agreed with or treated as you think you should and this seems unfair to you). If you recognize this behaviour, then a red light should be flashing.

As soon as you start seeing yourself as the victim (self pity), everyone else's actions will be amplified and any negative reaction from someone might be experienced as an attack. When selfishness increases, your grace for others start decreasing and soon patience and kindness go out the window. In short, selfishness does not make us more satisfied, it actually makes us unhappier, because it creates an insatiable desire which nothing and no one can still and it makes us feel that we are constantly being treated unfairly.

So how do we manage the fine line between selfishness and putting ourselves first? Firstly we can learn to define our boundaries clearly and then consider where we are overstepping boundaries onto other peoples’ lives in selfishness. Imagine your life as a field, if you keep living on other peoples’ fields then you are stealing from them and being selfish, but if you keep letting others steal from you by allowing them to pitch their tents (needs, desires, opinions) on your field, then you are not looking after yourself enough and you might be burdened and too thinly spread. Ensure that you live comfortably on your field by allowing time for resting, loved ones and lots of time to give, to love and be loved.

Picture credit: betterbasketballtribe.com

Embarrassing moments...

I thought that it’s about time that I write about interesting or almost embarrassing moments for me since living in a different country. It’s all part of the “inburgering” process I suppose! J

The first time that I went to a grocery store, I innocently walked with my basket of items up to the cashier. I put the basket down in front of her. She looked at me, I looked at her, she looked at me, I looked at her, but she didn’t ring up my items?! I realised that I must be doing something wrong, but it took me a few moments to realise that she was staring at me because I’m not unpacking my groceries from the basket! This was strange for me, because in SA they unpack your basket for you. So small, but so embarrassing! They also don’t pack your groceries into grocery bags, thus you have to do it yourself. So it looks like this: you try to unpack your basket, while she scans your items and slides them to the side. You then rush over to start packing your groceries into plastic bags (while you are actually supposed to pay), then you stop packing and pay. Then while you continue packing the next person’s groceries start sliding by. Talk about pressure! Thank goodness for the self scanning option which makes buying groceries easier these days.

Bus tips

I’ve never really taken a bus in SA, as I always drove by car, so the things that are obvious to bus users in The Netherlands are not obvious to me. For example, the bus comes at a certain time, but it actually only DRIVES BY at a certain time. If you want the bus to stop, you have to jump up and wave your bus card, otherwise it assumes that you are waiting for another bus and it just doesn’t stop. Super confusing when you wait and it just drives by because you didn’t signal.

Also, when you want to exit the bus, you have to press the “stop” sign in the bus just before your desired stop, if you don’t, the bus just drives past. I know it sounds incredibly obvious, but if you have never been on a bus, then it just isn’t.   

I’m fortunate not to have too many embarrassing stories. At least you learn quickly by making mistakes and it is of course part of the adventure!

Photo credit: orangey12.deviantart.com

The stages of mourning

You might wonder what I mean by 'mourning' and how it can be applicable to you. Mourning is not just something you go through when a loved one passes away. It's also a process that you go through when you lose something or go through significant change. For example, losing your job, losing a friend, losing abilities, leaving a community, divorce, changing your lifestyle and in my case leaving your country. The range is quite extensive and can also differ from person to person.
In general the process looks like this:

1. Denial – It is a defense mechanism that carries us through the shock. We deny the reality and facts of the situation in order to cope with the pain.

2. Anger – As reality starts to sink in, we still do not know how to cope with the change or loss. We feel guilty. We might cast blame or harbour resentment due to the intensity of the pain.

3. Bargaining – We struggle to let go. We feel helpless and this often makes us want to regain some kind of control. We bargain with the “what if’s” and the “buts” and how things could have been if...

4. Depression – Sadness, lack of motivation, craving comfort and support. We sense a void left behind.

5. Acceptance – We gain new perspective, peace settles in and though slowly, we start moving forward.

You might not experience all of the above for the same duration or intensity, but they will be present somewhere. The duration of the process also differs significantly from person to person and from situation to situation and thus the items should be viewed as guides through the process and not a fixed schedule.

It would be to our benefit to define the stages, realise what we are going through, properly work through each stage, deal with the emotions and remember that it’s a process and not a race. It also helps us to identify what our needs are during each stage of the process in order for our partners, family or friends to support and comfort us.
The stages are not intended to scare us. It is merely a tool to help us manage the stage that we are in and understand why we think and react the way we do. Take heart, the light at the end of the tunnel is knowing that the last stage is acceptance and that the process does not have to last forever. It is true that some aspects will never be forgotten, but hopefully through managing the process we can reach a point where painful moments can become beautiful memories.

Picture credit: myquoteshome.com

Have some fun!

Give yourself a break and have some fun! Give yourself a break from whatever keeps you busy, even if you are the one giving yourself a hard time. We can so often become slave drivers to ourselves, not allowing for mistakes to be made or sufficient time to rest.

We cannot be the best version of ourselves, if we do not look after ourselves. It is not selfish, it is our responsibility. We need to look after our bodies and emotional well being so that we can be the best version of ourselves at work, socially or to our families. Sometimes we care so much about work, other people, our kids or our spouses that we forget to take time out for ourselves. At the end we become drained and a terrible version of ourselves and in actual fact, we only have ourselves to blame.

It might seem selfish to you if you do something relaxing like read a book, go for coffee with a friend or watch a movie by yourself, but in actual fact you are just giving yourself the reboot needed to be the best version of yourself for the rest of the week. In this way you feel appreciated and loved by yourself. It is surprising how much love we can show other people, but how little we sometimes show to ourselves.

It sounds strange, but it's true. We need to show love to ourselves. You need to show yourself that you matter, that you are loved and appreciated. You were made to live life and life to the fullest. It is important that we find joy in our daily lives. This can be difficult if you are in a new country, but think of things that you enjoy and find something similar that you can do for yourself. Spoil yourself and go find some fun!

Cry, it's ok!

I miss my parents.

I miss my sister.

I miss my friends.

I miss my bed and the smell of my linen.

I miss my tea.

I miss my dad's braai and my mom's home cooked food.

I miss recorded TV on the couch.

I miss good coffee with friends.

I miss options, selection and variety.

I miss the sun.

I miss mountains. 

I miss my car. 

I miss singing in my car.

I miss familiarity. 

I miss routine. 

Cry. 

Cry a little or a lot.

Cry big tears, small tears, long tears or short tears, but cry. It's normal, it's healthy and it's in the best interest of you and your family. The more you cry, the less you'll take your emotions out on them, the less frustrated you will be and the more relieved you will feel. You can apply this to any traumatic experience. Crying or talking about your emotions release emotions and bring relief. It's a not a sign of weakness, but a way to strengthen you emotionally. If you don't release emotion, then I can assure you that it will pop out its head somewhere in your life and most likely not in the way that you would have liked.

To pack or not to pack..

So it's official! The visa has been approved and I have 9 days to pack up my life. Looking back it sounds kind of crazy, but that's exactly how it happened. How do you say goodbye to a country, family and friends in 9 days? Honestly, I don't know. I don't know if anyone knows the 'correct' way of doing it.

Fortunately, I have already moved out of my flat 2 months before, so all the admin surrounding that has been sorted and I have just been waiting for the last few months. But still, I was left staring at a few boxes representing my life in Cape Town, 29 years of my life in Cape Town to be exact. I threw away or gave away 90% of everything I had, but then I'm left with a few boxes of selected things. The difficulty is that most of the things I've kept has no really value at all, but were gifts or sentimental items. Some things are neither, but just irritating to throw away, for example beautiful wrapping paper and gift bags that I bought, those buttons that you get extra with your coats and blouses, your sewing kit with all its bits and bobs, a selection of make up and nails polishes that I don't use every day, but is nice to have for a specific occasion, random stationary and cards and the list continues. These are all things which are worth nothing, but nice to have and thus irritating to just throw away. Then I haven't even mentioned beautiful kitchen equipment, tins, bowls, oven dishes, books, magazines, dvds, etc that I have bought over the last few years. Pretty things, things that are mine and things that I chose.

Don't get me wrong, I parted with them all. So little time, so little space, but it wasn't always easy. Moving house is difficult as it is, but at least you can take your junk along. Moving countries is a different story, but now sitting on the other side and looking back, I'm glad that I didn't bring all  my junk along. Sometimes I still find it irritating to buy something which I already had, but then I tell myself that at least someone is enjoying the benefit of my items in Cape Town and I get to buy a brand new one. It's a process.. I keep telling myself that. ;)