I often find this emotion with expats, even with myself. I
guess that it is natural, but it doesn’t mean that it is pleasant. I guess we know
that we are going through a process and sometimes it makes it easier, but
sometimes it just doesn’t. It is funny
how we react when suddenly everything that we know is taken away. You grow up,
you study, you learn the ropes, you can explain, help, delegate well and with
confidence and the suddenly you sit somewhere totally foreign where you cannot
even help yourself, even if you wanted to. The only way that you can help
yourself is by asking for help, researching or finding out how it works in
this new environment and asking for help and waiting to be helped are not
necessarily everyone's strong points, but indeed skills that an expat needs to acquire
to survive and avoid frustration.
To put it bluntly, expats sometimes feel dumb. Dumb because
they have to ask so many questions or have to learn so many new things (from
social interaction in a new culture to basic administration). And the smarter
you think you are, the dumber you feel. We are not used to feeling helpless,
clueless, powerless or unconfident in our home environments, but now in this new
adventure it is inevitable. Things don’t run at our pace and there is very
little that we can do about it. Maybe you are used to a fast paced environment
where you can easily and confidently play ball all over the court, but now you only
have a thin stick and a golf ball and you are supposed to play this fast paced
game on a court that you don’t even recognise as being a court. So you feel
dumb and you maybe start to think that everybody else thinks you are dumb as
well. It gets frustrating. You know who you are inside, you know that you have
potential and you even love yourself, but often you just feel like you are
tramped in the body of a headless chicken or a clumsy Michelin man. Maybe you
are even trying to convince people that you are not normally like this...
Frustration. We need to figure out where it is coming from.
Yes, we are overwhelmed and exceptionally stretched, but what is lying under the
frustration? What underlying emotion is driving the frustration? What is the sentence
that we hear in our thoughts that creates the underlying emotion? For example,
you might have the thought “I don’t want people to think that I’m dumb” and
then you place extra pressure on yourself to prove yourself, but then you end
up feeling helpless, because you can’t possibly know everything and do
everything perfectly in a new environment. There are too many variables and things
that you cannot possibly anticipate or predict. This then leads to the
frustration and maybe even a sense of failure or embarrassment. :/
Ask yourself some questions.
Why am I frustrated? “I’m
frustrated, because the lady keeps telling me what to do.”
How does “the lady keeps telling me what to do” make me
feel? “It makes me feel incompetent.”
Am I really incompetent? “No”
What does “feeling incompetent” trigger or remind me of? “It
reminds me of my teacher telling me that I’ll never make it to university.”
So the negative thought (lie) creates the feeling of incompetence
which drives the frustration. The key is to keep track of your thought patterns
and try and identify what thought drives the underlying emotion which in turn
drives the frustration. Get hold of the thought and you can disable or lessen the
frustration. It is not always as simple, but I have had such amazing results
and eye opening moments while doing these exercises with my coach. At the end
it is totally worth it and very freeing.
As expats we are surrounded with change and we need to stay
flexible whether we like it or not. My advice is to find someone to talk to. An
objective ear is always good and can help you get some fresh perspective in
your situation. Take a deep breath, accept what you cannot change and stay focused, flexible and motivated, you are brave just for taking the
leap to another country!
Picture credit: simplelifestrategies
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